Polyamory and the One Penis Policy — it’s not just about the penises.
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Let’s talk about the dreaded, infamous, deeply problematic OPP — The One Penis Policy.
This is what we call poly dynamics where a person restricts the people their partner can date, based on some trait they feel personally threatened by.
First, I want to acknowledge though that this term is a very cis/heteronormative term for something that effects everyone. I have seen this dynamic play out in all kinds of interesting ways. Gender, race, genitalia, hobbies, personality traits, looks.
This dynamic is not Penis Exclusive. Basically, any version of “You Can Only Date People that I Don’t Find Particularly Threatening” can fall under this OPP umbrella.
For the sake of this essay, however, I am going to focus on the classic cis-het One Penis Policy story here. It’s a common enough dynamic, I think it’s reasonable to talk about it specifically. Just know that, although the context may change — depending on your particular circumstances — the basic idea remains the same.
Our tale begins with a hetero, monogamous couple, discussing opening up their relationship. The guy is straight. The woman may be straight, bi, bi-curious, or maybe her partner is just bi curious on her behalf.
Regardless, he is excited about dating other women, and he tells his partner that he’s okay with her dating other women, too.
But not men.
Even if this isn’t because he’s fetishized bisexual women — he at least feels like women are different enough to not be threatening. He also sees queer relationships as inherently less real. Less meaningful. He gets to continue to feel unique and special, and not particularly challenged.
His girlfriend, however, is denied that -admittedly fictional — comfort. He’s not dating other men, or people that are different enough not to feel so threatening to her. She has to learn to be okay with her partner dating what may feel like the most threatening people possible.
In reality, a person’s gender or genitals are actually pretty irrelevant. Mono or poly, relationships last because the people involved continue to choose each other. That’s it. One of the foundational understandings of polyamory is that we are Not going to leave each other because we find something or someone new and shiny. We are not going to be lured away from loving, happy partnership by… magic penises.
One of the most nonsensical justifications I hear in defense of the OPP is the idea that men have some natural right or need for variety, while women need to be kept “pure”, or locked away. They sometimes go on to explain that men and women have different needs. That men can — or even should — have multiple partners but it’s bad, sinful, or against nature for women to do the same. This is nonsense. It’s a lie. It’s a convenient story that men tell themselves to excuse awful, selfish behavior.
I am sure I’ll write more about this in the future, but for the sake of staying on topic, just don’t be that guy. It’s gross.
Another way I hear men defend the one penis policy is by declaring that men just can’t be trusted. They know men. They know how they think, how they talk. They don’t want their wives or girlfriends to be used or disrespected like that. Some guys talk about how men see each other as competition, and women as prizes to be won. They don’t want to feel cuckolded or diminished because another man is schtupping their girlfriends.
I’m not saying this isn’t a common dynamic. Absolutely, there are some really awful, manipulative, dishonest people — of all genders — out there. There are countless poisonous world views that one can choose to adopt. However, there are also better options, and better people. There are people — including men — who are kind, cooperative, ethical, and not problematically competitive.
If you can’t imagine that, or you don’t know men like that, or you realize that you wouldn’t want your wife or girlfriend being thought of or treated the way you think of and treat women — then you have identified the real problem:
It’s not the penises. It’s you.
It’s the people you spend your time with. It’s the way you think of both men and women. It sounds like you don’t really see either as being fully realized, complex, valid humans. It might be time to find new friends — if you are surrounded by sexist creeps, it’s hard to imagine that there are better ways to be out there. It’s time to go to therapy (everybody needs therapy). Work through these ugly, diminishing narratives you have about both yourself and other people.
You have work to do — and that’s okay.
Honestly. You aren’t alone, and you don’t need to feel ashamed of this — we all have to grow, we all have blind spots, and most of us have been raised with absolutely wretched ideas around gender and relationships in general. Now that you see the problem, though, it’s time to do better.
Be the kind of person you would want your partner to date. Be that kind of person, and it may be easier to believe that there are other people like you out there, too. Give your partners the space to use their best judgement, to connect with good people. That’s the important thing — the thing we want most for our partners. It’s not about how many penises they have in their lives. It’s about the quality of people they have in their lives. We want them to be happy, safe, respected, cared for. Those are the important things. Not the penises.
Yes, the One Penis Policy, the One Vag Policy, the single gender/type/orientation policy is toxic, diminishing, and offensive. It’s wanting your partner to do hard emotional labor that you are not willing to do for yourself. It’s also foolish. If your relationship is faltering, and your partner wants to leave, they will leave. it doesn’t matter what genitalia/orientation/or type of people your partner is dating. Or even if they’re dating at all. We can’t protect ourselves by making our partners smaller and more restricted.
At the end of it all, poly or mono, we have to trust our partners to make thoughtful, wise decisions. We have to trust that our partners are going to keep choosing us. Arbitrary restrictions will not protect us.
Same-sex relationships are not safer, either. That’s reductive and naive. Women dating women, men dating men — people dating all along the gender spectrum — fall in love, have mind bending sex, and develop deep connections. We stay together, not because we happen to have cornered the market on penises, but because we want to stay together. Because we continue to choose each other.
Assuming that we are “safe” because we happen to have the sole penis/vag/whatever in the situation is silly.
Besides, your genitalia, your gender, the physical manifestations of You are not the definition of you, of your value, of your relationship. There is so much more about you that is meaningful and important. Your bits, your gender, your presentation, they are just — details in a much bigger picture.
Your value is innate. It’s not a competition.
Beyond that, trying to transition to polyamory without actually doing the work isn’t going to…work. It’s lazy and cowardly. If you expect your partner to be brave — if you’re asking them to do the massive amounts of emotional labor required to become a supportive, capable, happy poly partner — you have to be willing to do that work yourself.
You want to be able to connect with other people, and you want your partner to support that. Support them in the same way. Work through the discomfort, the jealousy, that knee-jerk reactive sense of anger and fear — all of the things getting in the way of honest, mutually supportive polyamory. Work through it together, lovingly, patiently, and with intention.
It’s okay to be afraid, and insecure. It’s normal. These are feelings to be faced and gently worked through. That’s part of the process.
If that seems too hard, right now, too scary, too uncomfortable — maybe stick with monogamy for the time being, and think about this a little bit more before you jump in.