I want to clarify: choosing monogamy is a perfectly reasonable and respectable decision.
My intention in this article was to highlight many of the tactics people use to try to keep themselves safe - not to imply that all monogamy is built around coercion and limitation.
Many people thrive in mono relationships that aren’t fear/control based - that are based on mutual desire and intention.
Monogamy isn’t the problem - for those who are drawn to it, it can be healthy and vital.
The problem I see is making life decisions based on fear. Follow the path that is most in alignment with your personal values and emotional well being, rather than letting fear push you into making poor decisions for yourself.
Twisting oneself into knots in order to fit monogamy (or polyamory) - because you think it will keep you safe - rather than because it’s what you actively want - isn’t going to be sustainable or happy. Or safe.
Monogamy is a legitimate choice - it’s just not any more of a guarantee of happiness than poly. It depends on the people involved, and what they want for their lives.
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Also: Most adults - poly and mono - have multiple relationships in their lives, and most of those relationships don’t work out.
People date, they do their best to find the person (or people) they really connect with, and it often takes several attempts to find our beloveds. Most relationships do not end in marriage or long term partnership. The ones that do, whether mono or poly, face challenges, too, and may not last a lifetime.
The problem is that, with monogamy, when a relationship fails, we blame it on all the extenuating circumstances. Personality, finances, compatibility, etc.
Even when monogamy is the thing that drove the partnership apart (as in the case of widely differing sex drives), we don’t talk about it.
If a poly relationship fails, people tend to hyperfocus on the polyamory part - even if that part was working beautifully.
Relationships die for all kinds of reasons, and all love requires bravery.
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I would never try to convince people to be poly. Monogamy can be beautiful for those that are inclined that way.
But not everyone wants monogamy. And for those people I say: follow what feels right for you - what aligns with your values, what feels the most joyful and stable for you personally. Find a person (or people) that want the same things, and try to build a life together!
It sounds like you are very dedicated to monogamy - perhaps you don’t need to spend so much time reading about polyamory, or worrying about whether it’s a good idea, when it’s clearly not for you!
Reading about monogamy doesn’t bother me - despite it being antithetical to my own joy - because it isn’t for or about me.
It’s not an either/or, or a competition. It’s just two different ways of holding love.